A Love Encounter part 1

[Trinity_Nekosama]

First day of moving to a new town and going to a new highschool. Trinity, a loving, amazing, tomboyish, cat girl, who doesn't talk much and is indeed in love with music is nervous about her first day of highschool in a new town.

She walks down the hall, trying to find all her classes when a disturbed red two tailed fox named Rico trips her. As she's falling to the tiled floor, in the distance a catboy named Theo watched in shame,wishing he could of done something. He runs toawrd Trinity to make sure she if ok.

Theo: Hi! umm Are you ok? Sorry he did that to you, He's not the grateful of a person.

Trinity: Yes I'm ok *grunting as she gets up form the tiled floor, looking up at him*

Theo: Wow! *Stared into her amazing cystal green eyes with a hint of yellow*

Trinity: What?

Theo: Nothing *looks down as if he is ashamed*
Theo: Are you new here?

Thrinity: Yea i just moved here *saying shyly as she looks at her feet*

Theo: Let me show you around when you have time. I would be honored to do it. Do you know if we have the same lunch?

Trinity: I have B lunch and i'm completely confused around this school.

Theo: I have B aswell *looking at her with happiness the he gets to see her again*

Trinity: Stop by my classroom after class *Winks and flicks her tail in his face teasingly*

An hour later Trinity looks at the clock repeatly, waiting for the bell to ring so Theo could meet her. Her heart began to race as she started to day dream of what they would talk about....The bell rings and she starts to head out the door when Theo surprises her.

Trinity: Ahh! You scared me *Her heart still racing*

Theo: I'm sorry, I just wanted to make her Rico didn't try to hurt you again *looking into her eyes and smiles, wanting to kiss her*

Trinity: Aww Thanks * gives him a warm hug which she held for a long period of time.*

[Trinity_Nekosama]

NO feed Back... Wow thanks guys....

[WarpedPerspectiv]

It's not really long enough to know whether it's good or not, too short to get into.

[Trinity_Nekosama]

Thats why it's part 1....
Theres another story i have on here that 6 pages long.... i can go find it and you can read that instead.

[Valcori]

it isn't bad but you do need to add more..........i want to read more, i'm intrigued lol. do you think you'll ever right more?

[Trinity_Nekosama]

I would if i knew people would actually read it...You know?
I start getting ideas rtight now

[Trinity_Nekosama]

i want responses =[

[WarpedPerspectiv]

i want responses =[

And I want part 2

[Trinity_Nekosama]

I need at least 4 more people inorder to make a part 2.
I thank you for wanting part2. I'll start jotting ideas down incase more people decide to read more. I just don't see the point in making part 2 for one person unless they could help me get published

[Blackwolf-Dave]

Good writing skills you have there.. Please do continue!

[Trinity_Nekosama]

thanks you =] now 3 more people

[oni_chaos]

awesome, continue with it

[-SpiritWoIf-]

I liked it! Please do continue...

[Taimoor]

Feed back?
In two words: Somewhat poor.

As someone else said, too short. Yes, I am aware that it is "part 1", it's nevertheless short to tell if it's something good or bad, or where it may lead or if the reader actually feels compelled to where it will lead.

Revise your writing style. Using *action/emotion* is awful to describe the said actions or emotions in a fluid way. I'm nearly 100% positive that you never read a book where this happened.

Writing style. Why mention irrelevant details, like the name of the fox that trips the cat girl, since another character later would make a mention to it?

Revise your grammar and spelling. Errors on those departments, I'm sure they won't be difficult to find.

Plot. Something common and "clichéish" so far, so again, short too short to garner any interest at the moment.

[Trinity_Nekosama]

Actually I did read a book where this happened. "Perks of being a Wallflower" Look for it.

[Taimoor]

I'm unsure what you may be talking about... I made the reference to another book in concern to the fact of the sum of the actions and display of some emotions in your short text being made within asterisks.
I found a few reasonably sized excerpts of the book you mentioned, and did not saw that happening there.

So, if you were trying to point out something else, be a tad more concise.

[Trinity_Nekosama]

Ugh I'm not gonna fight with you.

[Taimoor]

Why you would call this a fight however, I wouldn't know.
Forgive me if I don't sugar coat things like some of the other people that commented. I give critiques, and try to minimally point people in the right way instead of delude them that their work is "Top Notch", or that they have a "Super-Talent".

If you wish not to take them, or cooperate in taking my help to find or correct your flaws, I can fully understand that. People who cannot take critique are not uncommon.
That said, you may be on your way then, and I cannot but apologize once more that my words may have dented your beliefs in this regard.

[Trinity_Nekosama]

I understand... I honestly dont think i'm gonna write more of this story anyway. I'm working on a different on thats 7 pages long right now.