Winter

[Sinqularis]

Hello everyone!

I'm not sure how active this section is, but I intend to share one of the poems I've written with you. I'm no master of poetry, so please don't expect too much. If people against my expection like this poem, then I might share more with you in the future. But for now, let me introduce the poem that I've been working on with winter being my inspiration. I hope you'll find it enjoyable *Smiles*
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WINTER

At the end and the start of every year,
clouds will gather and cover the sky.
Birds may leave when the cold draws near,
and away to the south they fly.

Temperatures will drop to negative number,
and everyone can feel the bite of frost.
Creatures will go underground and slumber,
Every soul in the open may be lost.

Leaves and branches fall to the ground,
trees stand naked - stripped by the storm.
And when frost is everywhere around,
Winter may show its most destructive form.

Clouds will gather and wind turns to gust,
a cloak of darkness will cover the plains.
First the snow might fall like dust,
like in moments where it rains.

The fall of snow gets wilder in the hour,
and the blizzard is like a wall of ice.
What you witness is Winters power,
Your survival depends on a roll of dice.

If someone is caught in Winter's rage,
The chance of escape is supremely low.
When a blizzard reaches this furious stage,
victims are trapped in cages of snow.

After the blizzard has ravaged the land,
the storm will eventually subside.
The final snowflake will drop into your hand,
and the plains will be white so far and wide.

By Sinqularis -

[fuzzy wolf]

Nice I Like It

[Piro]

I love it. The only thing (out from my personal preference of course) is that i think parts of it would look smother and more poety if shortened and changed forms from future to present or whatever it might be called.

For instance:
First the snow might fall like dust,
like in moments where it rains.

If someone's caught in Winter's rage,
The chance of escape is incredibly low.
When a blizzard reaches this furious stage,
victims (are) trapped in cages of snow.

Temperature will drop in numbers,
and everyone can feel the bite of frost.
Creatures go into their slumbers,
Every soul in the open may be lost.

After the blizzard has ravaged the land,
the storm will subside.
The final snowflake drops into / on your hand
suddenly the plains are white, so far and wide.

Just suggestions, and based on crazy me xD
But as i said i liked it, and i would like to see more!

Of course, poetry should be heard as well as read, and the changes i have suggested, may have destroyed your original intent with your poem.

[Sinqularis]

I love it. The only thing (out from my personal preference of course) is that i think parts of it would look smother and more poety if shortened and changed forms from future to present or whatever it might be called.

For instance:
First the snow might fall like dust,
like in moments where it rains.

If someone's caught in Winter's rage,
The chance of escape is incredibly low.
When a blizzard reaches this furious stage,
victims (are) trapped in cages of snow.

Temperature will drop in numbers,
and everyone can feel the bite of frost.
Creatures go into their slumbers,
Every soul in the open may be lost.

After the blizzard has ravaged the land,
the storm will subside.
The final snowflake drops into / on your hand
suddenly the plains are white, so far and wide.

Just suggestions, and based on crazy me xD
But as i said i liked it, and i would like to see more!

Of course, poetry should be heard as well as read, and the changes i have suggested, may have destroyed your original intent with your poem.

First of, I'm happy to know that you liked the poem! ^_^ It means a lot to me. The poems I do usually take quite a while to write, since I enjoy to go deep into the poems background, and still keep the contents rhyming. It sure ain't no easy task. As for your suggestions, I know that my poem has several flaws over it. To be honest, I'm no master of poetry - but it has always been important to me that my poems have a poetic rythm. You can bet that I've read this poem loud many times, to make sure that the sentences have the rythm that I want. If the sentences are too long or two short, then the poem tends to snap in my oppinion. Although I must admit some of the lines did get a little longer for me than I wanted it. I actually gave it some thought whether or not I should use shorted words such as "someone's". When I was writing the poem, that is. But to be honest, I chose to leave it alone. Because in a poem, I wish to write the full words. It makes it harder to keep the rythm, but it looks less rushed in my oppinion. Anyhow, thank you for having a look over my poem, and thank you for giving tips too! :D

PS: I've made a few changes in the poem with help from your tips!

[Piro]

The pleasure is on my side, and yeah as i said, i can't look it from your point of view unless you'd agree to a private reading *winkwink*. Oh snap, good poem anyway, and i can't wait to see more from you :D Btw, take a look at my poem existence, if you'd like to xD

Keep up the artistic work Sin!
And you're a rather good poet compared to a lot of other stuff i've seen. We're not talking shakespeare of course, but if you look at the "average joe" ;)

[Benevolent Pudding]

Yes, you are a pretty good poet (just search "emo poem" on DeviantArt for some comparisions), but alas, just need some touching up.
Now, the advice I give is strictly opinion, and it'd be best if you didn't take what I said literally, and instead played around with it a bit. That being said, I'll start to help you with dition, and flow a bit, line by line.



"At the end, and the start, of every year,"
I think that having the first two commas in make it sound a little fragmented, and are really not neccessary at all. So if you take them out, it'll read better, I think.

"and everyone can feel the bite of frost."
I dunno, it just seems a bit awkward to me, like the meter was forced out. Just practise more, and it won't sound as forced after a while. Or, just skip out on structure and meter, and write free verse. You can still have very nicely flowing poems without having structure or meter.

"Every soul in the open may be lost."
Again, it sounds a little odd. Don't worry, though.

"Winter may show its most destructive form."
I think that the diction is a little off here, I think that if it were "Winter may show its deadliest form" it would flow nicer.

"The fall of snow gets wilder in the hour,"
Again, a bit awkward sounding. But, don't worry, it just takes practise; metered poems are very hard to master, but can be very powerful if you have mastered them.

"Your survival depends on a roll of dice."
I think if it were "Your survival depends on the roll of a die." it would sound a little more smooth. You just have to mess with diction more, and play around with your words, and soon you'll be able to write brilliantly, without having to spend hours on it.

"The chance of escape is incredibly low."
Here, I think that the number of syllables in the word "incredibly" messe sup the rhythm of this line. Maybe use "supremely" or "extremely" instead. At most points in poetry where places sound awkward, it's the syllable length of certain words that are doing it. Just mess with synonyms (try to use words to already know before resorting to a thesaurus) with different syllable counts, or just words that sound differently (every word has a specific sound, and mood attached to the sound. I've seen poems based purely on this fact, poems that make no sense whatsoever, but sound beautiful)

"victims are trapped in cages of snow."
I think it'd be better as "victims are trapped in cages of snow." Just to solidify what I said before, in this line, I didn't change the syllable count, but I did change the sound of the syllables in question.



Other than that (just small mistakes, really), it was very nicely written. Everywhere starts somewhere, you know, and it doesn't matter where you start. It doesn't really matter where you end, either; all that matters is the journey between the two.

[Sinqularis]

To Benevolent Pudding: I appreciate your advice, and I've also edited my poem with the help from some of your suggestions. Although, there was some things that I liked best my own way. Please keep in mind however, that although my english is considered decent in my country, its not flawless. I'm not american, so expecting a top-notch smooth and high-quality poem may be a bit too much. I'm doing my very best, but my vocabulary does have its holes here and there.

Mmh... I've practiced poetry since I was a child. But perhaps I should leave this section for people that has more remarkable work to share. It was worth the try though. ♥

[Benevolent Pudding]

It's fine if your vocabulary isn't the best, but the only way you're going to improve is if you keep trying to extend it. And it does help to have some advice along the way.
I never really expect good work from anyone; people are only as good as they can be, and not more. And it is a good poem, especially if english isn't your native language.
Rome wasn't built in a day, you know, and I don't think they spoke english at all...

And most of the errors I spotted are minor kinks, nothing to worry about. Don't leave, I did enjoy reading your poem, and I'd like to see more from you.

[etetherin]

its great